Britain’s favourite Christmas cracker joke

We all need cheering up at this time of year, so Mrs Christmas has commissioned a survey to find Britain’s best and worst Christmas cracker jokes.
And here is THE festive joke that make us all go ho, ho,ho:
Father Christmas goes to the doctor’s surgery
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa explains: “I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!”
And the doctor replies: “I’ve got just the cream for that!”

‘Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted the no-bell prize’, came second closely followed by ‘What goes oh, oh, oh? Santa walking backwards.’

‘What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer was voted into fourth place.

And ‘What did Adam yell on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!’ completed the top five.

But others didn’t fare quite so well in the poll of 4,000 people carried out by OnePoll for my website MrsChristmas.co.uk, which sells Christmas decorations and Christmas crackers.

‘What’s purple and yells help? A damson in distress’ was named the joke which makes us groan the most.

‘’What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia’, came second while ‘What happened to the turkey at Christmas? It got gobbled’, was third.

Despite the rise in political correctness people in Britain still love a joke that is slightly risqué.

And here are the Top 10 best and worst jokes:

Top 10 Christmas cracker jokes
1. Father Christmas goes to the doctor’s surgery
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: I’ve got just the cream for that!

2. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the no-bell prize

3. What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa walking backwards

4. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

5. What did Adam yell on the day before Christmas?
‘It’s Christmas, Eve!’

6. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Lost

7. What kind of room has no windows or doors?
A mushroom

8. What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

9. How did the human cannonball lose his job?
He got fired

10. Why don’t ducks tell jokes when they’re flying?
Because they would quack up

Top 10 worst Christmas cracker jokes
1.What’s purple and yells help?
A damson in distress

2. What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia

3. What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

4. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

5. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

6. What’s the fastest thing in the water?
A motor pike

7. Why did the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party?
He had no body to go with

8. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

9. I’ve just bought a dog with no nose
How does he smell?
Awful

10. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!
If they brought a smile pass them on…

‘’More than 25million boxes of crackers are sold in the UK each Christmas – most still have jokes inside.

A memory tree, what a great idea

It seems like Radio 2 has really caught the Christmas decoration bug. On her show early this morning, Emma Forbes asked listeners if they preferred a ‘themed’ tree or a tree packed with lots of memories.

 A lovely lady in Lancashire (sorry I didn’t catch your name I was driving at the time!)  sent a text to say that every year she gives tree decorations to each of her grandchildren so that when they are old enough to leave home they’ll be able to put up a first tree of their own that will already be filled with wonderful memories. What a nice thought.

 Talking of things wonderful, thank you so much to all my customers who have left very kind messages on my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mrs-Christmas/317701710340?ref=ts

and on my website www.mrschristmas.co.uk

A special thank you to John in Leicestershire who very kindly wrote: “Having waded through 20 pages of Xmas Decorations domains I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on having the best web site, including the Americans. I find the Christopher Radco stuff too Walt Disneyish and there was nothing that I wanted to buy. Best wishes for Xmas and your continued success.”

 MY TIP FOR TODAY: The time’s perfect for getting your poinsettias. All the big stores have them at really reasonable prices but why not check out your local florists, they may cost slightly more but the local flower shops’ poinsettias this year are really big and beautiful.

 PS: I have now made a short YouTube video to show you just how to keep your angel looking straight on the top of the tree.  Naturally, I’ve called it  How To De-Cockle Your Angel. It’s on my YouTube channel on:

http://www.youtube.com/user/MrsChristmasonline

Mrs Christmas sells a decoration to Chris Evans live on Radio 2

Mrs Christmas helped Chris Evans become even more famous last night. I was asked to help him with his dilemma of what to put on the third prong of his real Christmas tree.

For the last week, Chris – who is about to take over Terry Wogan’s Breakfast Show on Radio 2 – has been inviting listeners to make suggestions about what should go on his three-pronged tree.

Chris and his lovely wife Natasha bought a mis-shapen tree deciding it should not be left as the last one to be sold.

So a fairy went on one prong, a star on the other and Mrs Christmas suggested he should put a tree-topper on the third.

Tree toppers are very unusual and quite rare these days but lost of people love them because they bring back happy childhood memories.

So, when I told him all about the tree topper Chris bought one live on air – and over two million people witnessed the purchase from our website www.mrschristmas.co.uk

If you’d like to listen to Mrs Christmas on Chris’s show click on the link, below, http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00p6ts0 We were on 1 hour and 16 minutes after the show began (76 minutes).

Paid in chocolate coins

Today was a first for Mrs Christmas.  When I learned a little girl had had her advent calendar stolen at school, I promtly sent her a Christmas Boot advent calendar as a replacement and she sent me a lovely card and included payment…two chocolate coins. Thank you. It was lovely doing business with you, Tilly.

To the mystery customer in Harrods who told people in the queue at the top store’s Christmas department to check out the MrsChristmas.co.uk website. Thank you. My customers are wonderful.

I’ll be blogging tomorrow – with my tips for a successful Christmas.

How to de-cockle your angel

Welcome to my debut Mrs Christmasonline blog for all Christmas fans.

During the coming days, weeks and months I will keep you up-dated with my tips and all that’s new in the world of Christmas and especially Christmas decorations.

The next two weekends are the busiest of the year for putting up Christmas trees, though I have to admit my four trees have been up since September – but I am Mrs Christmas!

Many of my friends and customers put their trees up in November because the weather’s so dark and drab, it’s a great way of cheering yourselves up.

So, to help you with your tree decorating here are my ten top tips – which I have called:

HOW TO DE-COCKLE YOUR ANGEL, by Mrs Christmas.

1. Forget everything those stylists in magazines tell you about how your tree should look this year. Your tree is YOUR special place for treasured memories and ornaments YOU like – not the ones a stylist tells you to have. My tree has a Christmas cracker from the set my husband and I bought for our first-ever Christmas together – over 30 years ago.    I always get a lump in the throat when I see a tree decorated by children where all the ornaments fill the branches on the bottom third of the tree. Take a picture to treasure and then quietly re-arrange it when the children are in bed to move your decs higher up the tree.
2. If you have bought a real tree allow it to stand for two hours before you place any ornaments on it to allow it to take shape.
3. Do the same with an artificial tree to allow to air. Use a pine-scented freshener to get that real pine smell.
4. Think about chucking out your tinsel and replacing it with ribbon. It looks lovely curled.
5. Test your lights by laying them on the floor and plugging them in before you put them on the tree.
6. To keep treasured decorations safe put a ribbon through the hanger and tie the ornament tight to the branch with a bow. Don’t leave a loose loop – or you’ll lose that treasured glass ornament.
7. I am always asked, how do I keep my angel upright at the top of the tree without cockling over?
   Just before you place her on the top of the tree, put some tissue inside her cone, that way she will sit straight and not move.
8. Make sure all your treasured baubles are at the top of the tree away from cats and toddlers, though when my son was four, he pulled the tree on top of himself!
9. There are some lovely tree skirts around at the moment to hide the bottom of the tree, whether you have a real or an artificial tree.
10. Put a fairy on your tree – she’ll bring you good luck and keep your tree safe until 12th night.

You’ll find my beautiful Christmas decorations at www.mrschristmas.co.uk